Anxiety.
I’m not a very open person because I always get scared of what people would think and judge me for who I am. I mean, I actually like having a private life so that no one can get in the way of whatever I do. I think this lifestyle has its benefits and downfalls though and lately, it’s been hitting me so hard I finally decided to talk about my problem.
I started to have anxiety problems around high school but it wasn’t official until my first year of college. It was during that time I started to feel like I was really getting older knowing that adulthood was around the corner. Little did I know that more freedom comes more responsibilities. I came from a strict and sheltered family so just knowing that I had to start learning to do things on my own terrified me. It was like a total 360. A new school, new people, new atmosphere. I liked being babied in high school. But of course, I didn’t find the situation so serious because i’m sure everyone had to put up with the same feeling.
It began to get more serious about almost a year ago when I broke up with my boyfriend. Those first few months were the craziest months I ever had to encounter in my life because I struggled through both happiness and depression at the same time.. if that makes sense. I thought I was completely satisfied finding someone else I believed was “the one” for me. I thought I was happy knowing that someone else was actually there to talk to or be with when I needed him 24/7. I thought life was great back then and the troubles with my “ex” were long over with. Biggest mistake of my entire life. I eventually started to get more anxious and worried that my “ex” would leave my life forever. I started to think about the past and realize how good things were. I had the most amazing relationship and to think I ended the best thing that had ever happened to me.. killed me inside. I remember looking at a mirror one day asking myself what was wrong with me and even breaking my perfume bottle to relieve my anger. I never tried to show the way I really felt though because I thought that maybe this other guy could actually change the way I felt about my “ex.” I was wrong. I wanted my baby back. My anxiety exploded after I found out about the girls he hung with. Honestly, I wanted to kill every single one of them. I’ve never had that much hatred over anyone ever until then.
That was the past and now were back together. Is it possible to be so in love that you’re scared about what the future will hold for you two? It’s corny but it’s true. The fact he’s in a fraternity still gets to me and I really do try to make the best of it but of course, it’s not that easy. He can’t expect me to act like nothings wrong or that everything will be okay. I care way too much, maybe even more than he does, and I don’t want anything to jeopardize this relationship. But the past still haunts me.
I have a tendency to avoid certain people in my life. I’ve been neglecting not only my parents but my entire family lately. My relationship with my parents has started to slowly decline; I’m rarely home nowadays and when I am, I stay in my room and get through the day with little talk. I still have a difficult time accepting that my brother left my family so I don’t get a chance to see him as much as I would like to. Even though it’s been years, it hurts seeing my mother cry and knowing things will never be the same. I’ve also ignored so many calls/texts from many of my family members because I never have the strength to tell them “how things are going.” I can’t believe I would let my anxiety get this bad to the point where I’ve even disregarded the attention of the people who love me most.
All my friends have especially noticed that I’ve been MIA for awhile now. It upsets me because I never know what to tell them or how to react. Well, it’s not cause I don’t want to be with them but because i’m so used to being by myself, it’s pretty overwhelming when I see people I haven’t seen in forever. I’m trying to become more social now, I just hope it’s not too late.
I think the one thing that has been keeping me sane is my schoolwork. As much as I hate it, it keeps me occupied and distracts me from everything that’s going on. I haven’t been doing as well as I want to be and I need to change that. I wish I could just do a whole days worth of homework and just be so exhausted that I could sleep forever.. and never wake up.
My anxiety has affected my personal life in such an indescribable way. It’s so hard to cope up with it when there is just so many thoughts racing through my head and all these emotions mixing up in my body. It has definitely affected my relationships with my family and friends, my schoolwork, but most importantly my own health. I’ve become so vulnerable, careless, and insecure again. I hate feeling this way. I need to change this mindset.. I need to focus on what’s good for me..
